Vegetarian Guitar
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Hello everybody out there in guitar land. The instrumental technique and skills that musicians have are commonly referred to as “chops”. “So-and-so has huge chops ”, means that his/her command of their instrument or voice is formidable. In other words, they know how to play their instrument extremely well. Although the situation has been improving, it seems to me that many of us in the Body of Christ would still have to say that we are musically “Vegetarian”, because we've got no chops at all!
Let's look at it now from a technical point of view and get some clear guidance on playing ‘sans chops'. It's easier than you might think to play vegetarian style!
• Probably the most crucial vegetarian guitar technique is that you must always be really out of tune. If this is too difficult to master, then just begin by being slightly out of tune; you know just enough to really spoil the sound of the music. There are two aspects to master: 1) Being out of tune with yourself, and 2) being out of tune with the other instruments that you are playing with.
• One of the most important aspects of chop -less guitar playing is that you must always play each chord in the song or chord progression a few milliseconds behind the rest of the band. Never play the chord when it's supposed to be played. In fact, more time spent as a vegetarian muso will often mean you are capable of being almost a whole beat out in your timing! This is one of your trademarks!
• Another vital element in the vegetarian guitar repertoire of ‘skills' is to play the same old chord shapes all the time. Remember, be as boring and as predictable as is ‘vegetarian-ly' possible. For example: always use root position barre chords. On the electric guitar, make sure you use only 1st. position ‘folk' chords!
• Related to this and also important is that you must be sure to ignore all inversions, slash chords and in fact any chord that has more than one letter and number in it. Say things like: “It's worldly”, when some challenging music is demanded of you.
• As time and growth in the vegetarian way permit, always try to play all songs in C, G or D Major; even songs that don't belong in those keys. Always ignore the ‘other' keys, especially ones with flats in them. If you do this, then you'll soon be catching up to your vegetarian keyboard-playing friends who play exclusively in C or F Major!
• You must never understand the rhythmic possibilities in a song. Always try to use predictable strumming. This could be improved even more by banging away in between chords as you change; you know, get all those open strings between every chord. This is another characteristically vegetarian principle, which will truly elevate your standing in the vegetarian music community as well as give you those plentiful vitamins and minerals that we know abound in such healthy musical practices.
• Good vegetarian technique demands that you must never listen to anyone else you are playing with. This applies at any time, but especially when you are in a time of worship together. Always ignore any possible signs of a chord progression developing, or of some direction about to happen. Don't forget that when someone is taking the lead or soloing, be sure to ignore what they're doing and thus pull the rug out from under them.
• Less well known perhaps, but equally vegetarian is that those who know their scales must play lead solos over the whole song from the start to the finish. Be sure not to leave even the slightest bit of breathing space anywhere. Fill it up totally with the most inappropriate ‘licks' and especially things like heavy metal guitar trickery. Make sure that the things you play are completely out of character for the song!
• Lastly, whatever you do, NEVER go and have lessons in order to leave the ‘no chops' vegetarian way. No matter how much someone encourages you to improve and practise and grow, and no matter how much you know you should, always strive to stay the same or get slightly worse! Stay faithful to the vegetarian traditions handed down and remain a really good example to everyone who hears you of what true ‘no chops' musicianship really is!
Now I must point out that the above mentioned ideals apply to other instruments as well! Piano, drums, bass, etc., will also be truly vegetarian if you follow the above principles. However, the good news is that none of this has to be done with any enthusiasm! No effort at all is even needed! Isn't that great?! That's a big part of the beauty of it all. To be a real vegetarian musician you don't have to do anything at all.
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© 2004 Bernard McDonagh
Email : author@gsus.biz
http://www.gsus.biz
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